There's a new Resident Evil movie coming. Again. The teaser dropped, and it looks like... well, like every other Resident Evil movie, which is to say like a generic zombie action film with recognizable character names.

This is franchise insanity. The Milla Jovovich films ran for six increasingly incoherent installments. Then there was a 2021 reboot that tried to be more faithful to the games and flopped anyway. Now we're getting another reboot, because apparently the third time's the charm when it comes to adapting Capcom's survival horror series.

Let me save everyone some time: this will also not work.

Here's the core problem Hollywood refuses to acknowledge: Resident Evil the video game works because you're the one wandering those creepy corridors, managing limited resources, making split-second survival decisions. The tension comes from gameplay, from the fear of what's around the next corner when you only have three bullets left.

When you turn that into a movie, all you're left with is zombies and maybe some light conspiracy plotting. And we've seen a million zombie movies at this point. The Resident Evil brand adds nothing except name recognition and pre-existing character designs.

The previous films made money - let's be clear about that. The Jovovich series grossed over $1 billion worldwide across six films. But they made money despite being critically reviled, despite having almost nothing to do with the source material, despite each sequel making less sense than the last. They were profitable because international audiences will show up for zombie action regardless of quality.

That's not the same as being good. That's not the same as successfully adapting the property. And it's certainly not the same as building something that will last.

Compare this to what HBO did with The Last of Us - they embraced the source material's strengths, understood what made the game's story resonate, and translated it thoughtfully to television. The result was both critically acclaimed and commercially successful because they respected what they were adapting.